Delicate Conversation Scripts

Overview

A structured approach to delivering difficult feedback that relies on observable facts rather than judgment, reducing defensiveness and clarifying expectations.

Core principle: Your job is to drive results, not make employees happy. But doing it well preserves the relationship AND improves performance.

The Six-Step Script

┌─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐
│  1. NEUTRAL OPENING                                             │
│     "I want to chat with you about [Topic]..."                  │
├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│  2. OBSERVABLE EVIDENCE                                         │
│     "What I am hearing/observing is [Specific Fact]..."         │
│     NOT: "You're not a team player"                             │
│     YES: "In the last 3 meetings, you interrupted others 7x"    │
├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│  3. SHARED REALITY                                              │
│     "We both know that to be successful here [Expectation]..."  │
├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│  4. THE STAKES                                                  │
│     "If this doesn't change, [Consequence]..."                  │
├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│  5. THE PAUSE                                                   │
│     Check for reaction/defensiveness.                           │
│     "I notice you're getting emotional..."                      │
├─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┤
│  6. THE FUTURE                                                  │
│     "I want to help you succeed by [Next Steps]..."             │
└─────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

Key Principles

Principle	Good	Bad
Evidence	Observable facts/data	Judgments/feelings
Framing	Career goals link	Personal attack
Mindset	Help them improve	Vent your frustration
Reaction	Hold the line	Back down

Handling Emotional Reactions

When they get defensive/emotional:

• "I notice you're getting a little emotional..."
• "We can take a break if needed, but ultimately we need to have this conversation."
• Hold the line—don't back down just because it's uncomfortable.

Common Mistakes

• Vague to be "nice": Specifics are kinder in the long run
• Personality focus: Critique behavior, not character
• Backing down: When emotional reaction happens, persist

Example Application

Manager telling employee she's not getting promoted:

• ✗ "You're just not ready"
• ✓ "The skills we need for this role are X, Y, Z. My observation is you're strong in X but need development in Y and Z. I want to help you build those skills for the future."

---

Source: Alisa Cohn (Executive Coach, Top Startup Coach) via Lenny's Podcast